"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" is a comic book turned TV phenomenon turned movie series, centering around four turtles (Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo) and a rat named Splinter. All are exposed to a mutagen causing volatile humanoid growth, taking refuge in New York's sewer systems. Splinter becomes an adoptive father to the turtles, teaching them the art of ninjitsu, so that when the time is right, they can defend the city from the Shredder, leader of a criminal syndicate of ninjas called the Foot Clan. The turtles' main ally in their battles is April O'Neil, a driven reporter who'll do anything to get her story, even if that means getting captured by the bad guys.
In this movie's origin story, O'Neil is frustrated by the fluff stories she's assigned. Desperate to make her break as a serious reporter, she stumbles across the scene of a Foot Clan robbery, foiled by a hulking, shadowy vigilante. Following the trail leads her to the turtles, who are hesitant to trust her, fearing she'll expose their existence. A few encounters lead to a working partnership and when the Shredder (Tohoru Masamune) arrives in New York, they team up to stop a plot threatening to harm the citizens and seize New York under the name of the Foot.
What plagues the film is indecisiveness. Often times scenes build up atmosphere, whether it be a heartwarming talk between the Turtles or a menacing encounter with Shredder, and suddenly, the scene will slam to a halt for a joke. It's as if the filmmakers decided no scene in a kids movie can exist without some corny humor. Other moments flip the script, attempting to make this all sound plausible, but fall apart as characters make wisecracks, attempting to show the movie is aware of its own silliness. These aren't cute flirtations with the fourth wall; they clunkily interject in the plot, wasting time. There's a time for comedy, action, suspense, drama, and the film shows no restraint, letting it all whiz by.
The plot muddles along, attempting to tie in a genetic researcher/entrepreneur (William Fitchner) with connections to O'Neil's father, her relation to the turtles (told in poorly-edited exposition), and a subplot regarding April's cameraman (Will Arnett) trying to get her in the sack. For a movie about reptilian martial artists who fight crime and eat pizza, there are hefty amounts of dialogue: sprawling exposition and plot reveals that attempt to relay any semblance of story, but go in and out the mind like cinematic mush.
Fox is given an unbelievably dense character, whom after somehow getting a job in a respectable (again, loose use of the term) TV news station, acts as if mentioning giant anthropomorphic ninja turtles won't raise any executive's eyebrows, and has the audacity to whine about getting fired when she spent the previous scene incoherently babbling 'evidence' of said turtles' existence to her boss (Whoopi Goldberg collecting a check). Now, Megan Fox has become somewhat of a poster girl for ditzy bombshell actress/models in recent years, but she didn't write her character. April O'Neil is a bore in this film, spewing exposition and hiding for three-quarters of every battle. She doesn't show any investigative skills exalting her to any status other than smiling in front of the camera. While Fox can be seen staring into space during a fight scene, it's not like the script give her much else to do. She tries to bring some energy in the beginning, but the character just takes up space.
Now, I know the three-star rating is beginning to confuse the lot of you, so I'll switch gears here. The plot is weightless, creating little to no impact. In a strange way, this helps the film. Unlike the "Transformers" series, which equally lacks plot but sprawls on for 150-plus minutes, offending ethnicities and stereotypes, "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" is just bland, a light PG-13 where the harshest word spoken is 'ass': surprisingly easy to sit through. the bad stuff is just mediocre, but when the movie hits gold? It's a surge of nostalgia.
Laird and Eastman save this film. The turtles are faithful interpretations of the originals (who could've expected such a result from their creators, right?), well-acted by the physical and voice actors. As per usual, Raphael's gruff badassery and Mikey's wide-eyed antics steal the show, leaving kids to leave the theater quoting their best lines for weeks to come. The turtles' brotherly bickering brings a smile to my face, especially as they try to stop Mikey from embarrassing himself in an attempt to woo April (all set to the tune of The Turtles' "So Happy Together".) The CGI is well done: not only do the turtles look like they're on the set, but their faces are expressive, bolstered by the actors' range of emotion. Kudos to Pete Ploszek (Leonardo), Alan Ritchson (Raphael), Jeremy Howard (Donatello), and Noel Fisher (Mikey), who capture the spirit of the turtles phenomenally.
Is this a good film? Absolutely not. The plot is a bore, when it doesn't try to cram in subplots and secondary characters. However, the movie portrays the turtles so well and so entertainingly, with riveting action and clever comedy, that I ended up having fun. Fans of the old and new shows will enjoy the turtles' camaraderie and fighting skills. After the rest is sifted away, we're left with an energetic big-budget episode of the Ninja Turtles show, and to be honest, I'm happy with that result. With the sequel already officially announced, here's hoping Laird and Eastman can take over the show and give us the playful action powerhouse the fans desire. Check it out if you're a fan; if not, wait for streaming services to pick it up.
Thank you for reading; I'm the Man Without A Plan, signing off.
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" trailer:
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