My Top 10 WORST Movies of 2014!

As I said in the last list, 2014 was a year of extremes: triumphs and catastrophes alike. I've already recounted my favorites, but now, it's time to purge myself of the failures. It's going to be tough, but just like puking up a heavy night of drinking, afterwards, I'm confident I'll feel much, much better. So let's not waste any time, and give these films one last kick in the ass.

10) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Alright, where's my pitchfork? If I'm going to join the angry mob, I feel I should get one. Should I repeat other criticisms: the overemphasis on April O'Neil's (Megan Fox) story, subsequent neutering of her character, dismally boring rendition of Shredder, and lack of screen time with the Turtles? Die-hard fans and Michael Bay opponents spit anger towards this film, but I'm just disappointed.

This movie isn't irredeemable, and to scrap the project would be throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Most people will grant that the Turtles' personalities and interactions with each other are reminiscent of the cartoons. The elevator scene took 30 seconds, but was fun, immediately cemented as most fans' favorite part. Similarly to "Transformers", the titular characters were just left at the side.

Other people cry foul at Megan Fox's performance, but give her credit. In the beginning, she started to sway me. She was pushy, focused, often too curious for her own good. In other words, she was April O'Neil: a spunky, ambitious reporter who would work hard to get to the bottom of a story. The problem lies with the script. After a strong beginning, the writers neutered the character, making her a total ditz, to the point where I couldn't imagine how she managed to graduate high school, let alone land ANY reporter position. When in the thick of battle with the Turtles, she serves to have light flood behind her open mouth.

Add in a laughably ridiculous (even for TMNT) re-write of the origin story and a senseless plot, and man, this one just hurts. However, I can't deny the promise that lies under the surface, and with the news that the sequel will bring fan-favorites Bebop and Rocksteady, it seems like the writers are at last listening to fan suggestions, and we might get a strong modern take on the Turtles. However, what last August brought us hurt, best to be left by the wayside.

9) Sabotage.


David Ayer directed this? Seriously? Most people will recognize the director from last October's WWII tank film, "Fury," which saw Ayer ambitiously crafting a visceral tale featuring the brotherly bond between soldiers. However, Ayer helmed another ensemble of enforcers in March's "Sabotage," a savage picture in all sense of the word.

The machismo is dialed to eleven as the likes of Arnold Schwarzengger, Sam Worthington, and Joe Manganiello drink, fight, curse, and insult each other with dialogue that would make the characters from "Wolf of Wall Street" blush. They play crooked DEA agents whose team, led by Schwarzenegger's John "Breacher" Wharton, is hunted down one by one after a drug cartel bust leads to the theft of $10 million.

The secondary characters are murdered in bloodiest fashion; a scene in a trailer looks like Ayer's attempt to channel David Fincher's "Seven". However, "Sabotage" is no "Seven." For all the grime and over-the-top madness, "Sabotage's" worst sin is that it's entirely forgettable. Outside of Schwarzenegger, the rest of the cast has no charisma, and the action is surprisingly scarce. In the end, all we got was guts and curses, with none of the fun.

8) The Purge: Anarchy.

It's weird. I was expecting to hate "The Purge: Anarchy" more than I did. What's weirder is that I'm disappointed I didn't. I regard the original "Purge" as the worst movie of 2013: a movie clueless as to whether it should look pretentious or laughably silly. With psuedo-satire about the American crime system spewed by ridiculous stereotypes, "The Purge" soon turned my confusion into groaning anger, and after hearing word of the coming sequel, I put my war paint on, ready to go back into the fire and bully this movie as much as possible.

What I ended up getting was more of the same, but the low quality didn't shock me as much. Despite opening up the survivors' playground and upping the variety of violent groups (my favorite being led by a sunglasses-wearing meathead with a Gatling Gun), "The Purge: Anarchy" trades in laughably bad stereotypes for boring ones as these three groups of survivors band together to try and survive the night where all crime, even murder, is legal.

The tone is still all over the place; at times, the movie basks in its insane horror roots, but then provides socio-political commentary on the wage gap and class wars. In a movie where motorcycles gangs dance with machetes and make faces into the camera, it'd be better if the filmmakers didn't try. However, the world of the Purge is opening up, and judging by its box office success, I may be getting another rendition of this in 2015.

7) Tammy.

The short and simple explanation for "Tammy's" failure is Melissa McCarthy. Tammy, despite being rough around the edges, is supposed to have some goofy charm, gaining sympathy as we pity her loss of husband and job. However, McCarthy's performance comes off as desperate, often rambling to throw as many jokes at the audience as possible, hoping one of them will catch. It also doesn't help that she's up against Kathy Bates and Susan Sarandon, who, despite less screen time, tell better jokes.

Likeable losers are difficult to pull off, and in "Tammy's" case, McCarthy simply doesn't stand out enough to break her character's shortcomings. If she were more rude or more passive, that'd be a good contrast, but as is, she comes off as a watered-down version of her other roles in "Bridesmaids" and "The Heat."

I was bored to tears, and when a storm cut power in my screening, it took all my willpower to not leave the theater, having to postpone seeing the film again. At least I've got a free film voucher to show for it.

6) Oculus.

Out of all the horror movies I saw this year, none made me laugh quite so hard as "Oculus," a film so devoid of brains, that I debated whether this was an elaborately sarcastic parody of the "Paranormal Activity" and "Insidious" movies.

Karen Gillan and Brenton Thwaites are astonishingly crazy and dull, respectively, as a sister and brother who seek to prove that a maleficent spirit, using a mirror, possessed their father and led him to murder their mother ten years ago. The brother, who shot the father in a panic, has just been released from a psychiatric hospital, cured of his belief in the mirror's evil, while the sister has spent the bulk of her young adult life gathering information about the mirror, convinced in its evil powers.

In order to buy "Oculus," you have to buy the fact that the mirror is scary, and the movie just doesn't sell it. A couple scenes take advantage of visual tricks to build tension, but never does the film pay off in a way that excels past horror entries like "The Conjuring" or "Paranormal Activity 2."

The sister's obsession with the mirror is downright silly as she approaches it with a "Home Alone" mentality, setting up traps and cameras to a) document every weird thing that could happen or b) destroy the mirror once and for all. The brother tries to reason and hopefully get her to leave the scary stuff be, but the movie finds new, ridiculous ways to keep the plot going. "Oculus" pulls out every horror cliche in the book, coughing up more laughter than scares: an easy skip in my book.

5) Transcendence.

I doubt even the most faithful Johnny Depp fans can find it in their hearts to defend "Transcendence," a visually intriguing but pretentious sci-fi flick that stars Depp as a scientist who imparts his consciousness into an artificial intelligence. As his intelligence and the AI mesh and develop, he starts to radically alter humanity's relationship with technology, growing more and more powerful, but less human by the minute.

"Transcendence" gets points for its twist ending, which some critics used as evidence for saying the movie's naysayers "just didn't get it." However, a twist doesn't do enough to forgive bland characters, action, and acting. With a career-worst performance by Depp and underused actors such as Cillian Murphy and Morgan Freeman, "Transcendence" lacks the emotional punch needed to connect with the characters, and the intellectual depth to make this film about the dangers of AI better than other B-movies of its genre.

4) Neighbors.

Now we're starting to see the glimpse of my visceral hate. "Neighbors" was not only boring, but obnoxiously unfunny, to the point where it didn't matter if the jokes were about pot or the woes of turning 30 and boring, my groans grew in annoyance. Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne star as Mac and Kelly Radner who, after the birth of their baby, feel the strain of responsibility and maturity conflicting with their desires to be fun-loving, partying adults. When a fraternity led by Teddy Sanders (Zac Efron) moves in next door, the frat's wild parties become too much for the Radners to handle, and the war for suburban supremacy ensues between the old and young.

Wherever I go, I can't win. Rogen and Byrne are dull, lame when they try to fit in with the guys or subsequently mock them. On the other hand, the frat kids are obnoxious, exchanging enough versions of "bro" to make your skin crawl. The only one who makes anything of his character is Efron, who shows a bit of disturbing psychosis as an antagonist. I feel weird comparing him to Robert Mitchum, but Efron shows a tad of suave charisma, that when contrasted with his outbursts, leads to some frighteningly creepy and disturbed moments. Maybe he should try a horror role in the future?

When not indulging in stereotypes, the jokes range from disgusting to predictable, and the whole film wears on the mind to the point where I just want it all to end. "Neighbors" is the bastardized blend of "American Pie: The Naked Mile" and "Pacific Heights", and if that, to you, sounds like the worst kind of cocktail, trust me, it is.

3) Let's Be Cops.


I don't want to talk about this. In fact, I feel more comfortable conversing about the number 2 and 1 picks than this film. Like "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", I left the theater disappointed, because judging by the trailer and premise, there's a wacky, albeit dumb comedy here.

Somewhere lost in Jake Johnson and Damon Wayans Jr's desperate acting and haphazardly crafted story, there's a fun idea. However, the finished product feels lazy, as if the screenwriters, cast, and crew, had an outline filled with necessary buddy-cop plot points and fleshed out the details with the least amount of effort possible in order to make a release date.

"Let's Be Cops" was an underwritten, unfunny bore that made me miss "Rush Hour 3". Think about that.

2) The Single Moms Club.

"The Single Moms Club" is a film to despise: a shallow melodrama with a reprehensible sense of humor that insults both men and women alike, making light of serious difficulties plaguing single mothers. It teaches women that men are the devil, but required to have any shred of self-esteem and a fulfilling life. This is worse of a vanity project than M Night Shamalyan's "Lady In The Water," where Tyler Perry dresses himself as the perfect man: the only sensitive, strong, responsible anchor in a sea of cheaters, abusers, misogynists, and brainless hunks.

The movie's messages are conflicted: after the movie goes out of its way to denounce an emotionally abusive ex-husband, it finds a stalker's forced sexual assault and the victim's subsequent sheepish, giggly submission as hilarious. the entire movie is built around single mothers' need for emotional support from their friends and family. However, when a member of the Single Moms club loses one of her children, the rest mope for a bit with her, then all go home. Where's the support? Where's the search party? I guarantee you, when my mother was out with friends and didn't know where I was for one split second, even if I was right behind them, the entire party of women would stop mid-sentence, turn and start the rescue like they were Navy Seals. This movie reveals itself to be all talk and not even a thought of action.

It's infuriating how much this movie gets it wrong, and even more so how much support and goodwill Tyler Perry has with his audience, who will laugh along with him no matter what, as long as the material mentions something they experience in day-to-day life. The message can be as horribly outdated and false as the stereotypes the movie "attacks," but Mr. Perry's movies will still make money. In a list of worst directors, Perry makes it in the top 5, and it's only appropriate that his movie does too. This is an utterly reprehensible film.

1) A Million Ways To Die In The West.

This movie wasn't just boring, just incompetent, just disgusting. In this year of less-than-stellar to awful comedies, for a movie to make it to the bottom of the pile, it had to actively offend my sensibilities, insult my intelligence, waste my brain cells, breath and time. "A Million Ways To Die In The West" is not only the worst of this year, but the worst movie I've ever seen.

One could call the movie "sophomoric," and technically, they'd be right, but whereas Family Guy, South Park, and Futurama go over-the-top, infused with energy, "A Million Ways To Die In The West" spends its time with painful dialogue, putting its characters in wacky situations to just have them sit on the sidelines, refusing to interact at all. Was the idea here to be so unfunny it makes us chuckle out of confusion? Cast Ben Stein in the lead role and then we'll talk, but as is, Seth MacFarlane's character should be left to a cameo, or even better, non-existent.

MacFarlane is in over his head, and when stacked against the likes of Liam Neeson and Charlize Theron, he falters miserably. His character tries to be the most intellectual guy in the room, but there's no snark, no quick-witted comebacks, only watered-down mockeries of the people in the background. I give few points to Liam Neeson for hamming it up, but when most of the movie is spent following MacFarlane, watching the movie becomes a drudging chore.

The jokes can be seen from a mile away, and the ones that aren't, are explained not a second later, with a wink to the audience, as if we couldn't comprehend why animal genitalia and diarrhea breaks the norms of our everyday sights. I've never been in a movie that spoon fed its audience worse than a Happy Madison production, but this May, I was unfortunate enough to experience such a travesty firsthand. As I left the theater, I shook with anger, my headache piercing. "A Million Ways To Die In The West" infuriates me: an insufferable, dismal affront to comedy.


DANIEL'S NOTE:
2014 had its failures, and I'm sure 2015 will as well, but it never hurts to remain positive, right? I've always had faith in us moviegoers to discern quality from garbage, and while the Hollywood system can bombard us with nonsense, we've gotten breathtaking victories, films that challenge, entertain, and move us. If there's any glimmer of hope to be taken from these travesties, it's that future filmmakers will see the landmines, and kindly, enthusiastically, step away. Thank you all for reading; I'm the Man Without A Plan, signing off.