(Why "Episode 1"? Because I've got a bit of context to add to the review that ended up being a few bits more than expected. If you want to read the normal review, check out Episode 2, which will be up later. - The Man Without A Plan)
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Last Thursday, I found myself racing down the highway to deliver a late term paper to my professor. I knew I was losing ten points each day it wasn't in his hand, and that in order to finish the essay and deliver it, I had to skip half of the Avengers double-feature at the theater (a $25 investment). It was more than likely, a sliver away from certain, that I wasn't going to make it in time for Age of Ultron, but I couldn't justify losing 20 points on a paper because of a movie...even if it was one of the year's biggest blockbusters.
I hauled ass in five o'clock traffic, which eventually turned to six and six-thirty (the movie was at seven). As I sprinted from the frat houses' back parking lot to Wooten Hall two streets away, I estimated that if I broke warp speed in my car, I'd still get to the movie a half hour late. With paper in tow (almost crashing head-first into the door), I burst in the building only to find my professor's office and the department mail room locked. I paced around aimlessly for a minute before the dash to Wooten devolved into a dejected walk back to the lot. I'm still not sure the expletive I roared in the car wasn't overheard by the guys smoking nearby.
The tires screeched into a Nordstrom parking space at 7:30; my feet glided up the winding staircase; I nearly flew, Michael Jordan-style, over the crowd control barriers; and as soon as I landed in front of the box office, my headache finally caught up, like a baseball bat to the temple.
The next ten minutes can be described as follows -
INT. AMC THEATERS - LATE AFTERNOON
DANIEL waits for the LADY at the box office to print out his ticket for the Avengers double-feature, which he's two-and-a-half hours late to.
LADY
You know this show started at 4:30 right?
DANIEL
(laughing bitterly)
Yes. Believe me, I know.
LADY
What? Why isn't this working? Kelly, can you come over here?
KELLY, a short brunette cosplaying Black Widow, turns around, approaching the lady's console.
KELLY
Did you try the thing?
LADY
Yeah, it's not confirming.
Kelly awkwardly glances up at Daniel who grins back sympathetically.
KELLY
Do the other thing; I've got to handle these guys.
LADY
I'm sorry sir; come around to the back, we'll get it settled.
INT. AMC THEATERS - BACK OF BOX OFFICE - CONT.
Kelly oversees a YOUNG MAN facing the console with a blank, confused stare as three TEENS wait with goofy impatience.
The lady motions to a MANAGER to come forward. She walks up to the lady behind the counter.
MANAGER
What's going on?
LADY
He bought a ticket online; the system won't confirm it.
MANAGER
I'm sorry, sir. We should have this up in a minute.
Daniel gives her a half-smile. One of the teens digs his pointer finger in his nostril, possibly in a search for a golden nugget of decency.
The manager, annoyed, comes out from behind the box office. She approaches Daniel.
MANAGER
Sorry for the wait. I'm just going to escort you to the theater; you should be good.
DANIEL
Thanks, that's fine.
They walk past the ticket-checker and concessions stand.
DANIEL
I can imagine the day's been hectic.
MANAGER (chuckling)
And it's only gonna get worse. Now, it's slowed down, but later? Phew.
She stands to the side of the theater door, motioning to the sign - "16: Avengers Double-Feature".
DANIEL
Thanks for your help.
MANAGER
No problem, enjoy your movie.
INT. AVENGERS SCREENING - CONTINUOUS
Daniel walks into the theater, looks up towards the screen, and in a moment of realization, frowns.
DANIEL
Damn. The 3D glasses.
After going back to grab the glasses and positioning myself in the far left seat on the second row, I watched the movie. My neck craned towards the IMAX screen, head bursting into twenty pieces, and eyes struggling to keep up with the 3D projection made for a miserable experience, one of the worst I've ever had.
The movie ended and it didn't wow me like I expected; I was reserving a spot on next year's Top Ten for this, and not only couldn't I reasonably do so, I felt animosity towards it. If I would've written a review the next day, "Avengers: Age of Ultron" would've received two-and-a-half stars. But bad experiences and high expectations aren't the movie's fault, and if there's anything to be learned from this rant/story, it's this: we're fickle, often ready to lose our minds if a movie ONLY gets a 8 out of 10 on IMDB, tossing out the baby with the bathwater if a sequel isn't a masterwork of perfection. If I can be ready to rage against a film for something as trite as a late paper, I think I need to calm down a bit, and to the mob of angry critics and Twitter users, I recommend the same.
So with that out of the way, stay tuned. We're gonna be talking Avengers: Age Of Ultron.
Thank you for reading (if you actually took the time for this, with all seriousness, I thank you); I'm the Man Without a Plan, signing off.
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